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We’ve created a copywriting monster

Internet + Idle Hands = copywriting monster

The digital revolution is a wonderful thing. It gives us, the people, the opportunity to be heard. Unfortunately it also gives non-designers the chance to design, and non-writers the chance to spray their ill-constructed rants all over the place. Yes, we’ve created a massive copywriting monster that’s taking over the online-iverse.

Having said that; YouTube comments, weird forums, blogs and social streams are a rich source of the truly bizarre. For any word lover (purists please look away now), this circus of the gross, preposterous and poorly educated is a gold mine. Here are a few corkers that I’ve found whilst dredging the stagnant backwaters of the Internet:

The new philosophers

“i rly like the cover of the album, it looks very monumental and yet very futuristic and melancholic..and music…pfff it squeezes out diverse emotions while being consumed…i like the 2nd song the most…it kinda reminds me of some post apocalyptic technological era,it reminds me of me walking alone in this jungle of steel and strict lines,lurking to find love…”

“KLOCK HURRICANES TIME EMIT CLOCK HURRICANES TIME EMIT RAINBOW SIX INXS KHALOTEKKWINGEDKINGEDHURRCANES”

“What if Emma Watson+My Little Pony=(Daenerys Targaryen÷Earth)×Stephen Hawking=German Banana=YouTube?”

“They knew exactlly how to manage music buziness and markerter supozitoire suckers!!! Every single and every keys of sound are or  is connected  to reality of monster CREATIVITY!!!! love them!!! And pleas keep burniing some….Art is all, All is Art …”

They’ve used English to create an alien language:

“joh diz shitz like mking me wana move like eish , oi jahhhhhhh”

“i bet thay had a schrpt riters metting the moth befor the show stars and tuns fo rehrsals”

“Barny is bola kuku fart”

“it’s like that sometimes five sometimes it is 10 piquiry piquire”

“ZGW ZAW tray hamster ham wisps Lif”

Some have virtually given up using actual words:

“IM CRYI G O LKST IT AT TBE FUCJJG SYNOHUM ROLLS”

“Hh.?. Uy”

“bdvb xgcdcSrcrhcz gvdg glutinous, Xerox 7”

“Fnaffkfkääffflspūssydbekfeb”

Ok, so Dr Johnson is probably turning in his grave, but I can’t help enjoying this butchering of the English language. As a tribute to all the Internet trolls and 3am web junkies, and with sincere apologies to the master waffle-trawler and dissector, Dave Gorman; here are a few poems made from a patchwork of the finest detritus found whilst rummaging around in the slimier bits of the web:

SAD POEM
Make me wanna hurt myself

on a sheet o cardboard
It’s so poopy
The green one scares me
she has like the little creepy eyes
dogs or puppys can’t swim
tOo maNy wUrdz
Go away please
I can’t take anymore of this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HAPPY POEM
i like babybus

I like it very
I Love Rock Frogs
I Like music
I love it even thou I am 57 (fifty seven).
My mother is a doctor
I be doctor
I’m proud of my self
Judith Chalmers bought me here.

ANGRY POEM
Delete yourself

yuck grrrrrrrr
Trash,trash,trash,trash.
You stink
You naughty cat
no one treats the Pharo like that
go watch strictly you mor on

END OF WORLD POEM
Is anybody’s else eyes sweating??

My brothers sick
kicked oxidised
Mr noodle is wet wet wet
What about angels
When Shade is throwing shade

CONFUSED POEM
Why sheeps ? 😉
Why do people even trust that animal?
It’s not even a animal!!
why is there a moon up in the sky
what am i doing in here..
what is a baby crying
probly thinking “why just why”
how did I get here
robot???

WEIRD POEM
I’m batface

you read this sentence twice
Daddy pig his head his head when upside down
The yoghurt
lease make ore
The funny rhoticity of Non-Rhotic.
hello hello I’m Christian
I am now… trascended.

EXCITED POEM
waaaaaaaaaaooouuuuuuuuuuwww

jumping jumping jumping jumping jumping jumping jump
Oh my gush
Ooh Johny Johny….
better than a thousand teudhrtwffgdbftreetygf
Vroom Vroom Chugga Chugga Click Clock!

Thank you to everyone who unknowingly contributed to this blog post. Keap onn kkopyriting y’all lol ubaubaub!!!!!!!!!!! lmao bruh.

Read more about copywriting here:

Choosing a freelance copywriter
Copy Editing – get to the point
Freelance copywriter – passing the copy test

And here’s Dave Gorman performing a ‘Found Poem’ on double-yolk eggs

Jonathan Wilcock (that’s me) is a Senior Freelance Copywriter.
You can drop me a line here, or email jonathan@sowhatif.co.uk