Seven reasons not to hire Jonathan Wilcock
Let’s face it, I’m not everyone’s cup of Horlicks.
1) I don’t have an English degree. To be honest, I don’t have any kind of degree. I’ve got an HND in graphic design. Four years of colour theory, photography, typography, magic marker technique and life drawing*. An understanding of how words and pictures work together has definitely made me a better Copywriter, but if you want to chat about the finer points of grammar, I ain’t not never for you.
2) I’m weeeeeeeeeeell over 40. I know, incredible – I ought to be shuffling around the library, nicking the free biscuits. I reckon half the population could beat me in a race to the corner shop. But, at least I don’t dribble and I’ve still got all my teeth. However, if you want a fidget-spinning copy-botherer just out of nappies, please give this old codger a wide birth.
3) I WILL NOT join your Slack channel or work in your Google Docs folder. Abso-flippin-lutely not. I’ve got too much going on to be fannying about with a chorus of notifications ruining my concentration. You can get me via Zoom, Teams, Google Meet, Mobile, Email, Royal Mail and in person. And I’ll stick with Microsoft Word, via the safe space of my own brain. If that’s not enough for you, then God help us all.
4) I don’t drink alcohol. In fact, I haven’t touched a drop since 1990 – believe me, that’s a good thing. If you go with the old adage, ‘never trust a man who doesn’t drink’, then don’t ask me to look after your kitten while you go to Margate for the weekend.
5) I’m a bloody vegetarian. No, actually I’m worse than that, I don’t eat eggs either. Neither a standard veggie nor a proper vegan. A dithering halfway house of a man. A vegetegan? But if you’re interested (it’s a cracking story), here’s what put me off meat for good: How to kill a pig.
6) I’m not half as much fun in real life. I ummmm and errrr too much. I forget the simplest of words – like kettle, portion and antipasti. My voice is nasal, with faint twangs of the East Midlands. The love, thought and editing that goes into my copy is seriously lacking in my conversational skills. If you want eloquence, hire Stephen Fry. Otherwise, you’ll have to put up with my distracted labrador of a brain.
7) I’m not cheap. I’ve paid my dues in massive agencies, small agencies and even ran my own for a few years. I’ve worked on everything from 3-page websites for teeny-weeny start-ups, to global ad campaigns for brands that sweat million dollar bills. All those ideas and words and interactions and knowledge are worth something. If you don’t want to pay for them, fair enough, but I won’t be drawn into a battle to the bottom. Sorry.
All that aside, I’m honest and house trained, and my clients seem to like me (get your juicy testimonials here). So, if my flaws, quirks and foibles haven’t put you off, the lentil burgers are on me.
Love and patience.
Jonathan Wilcock (that’s me) is a Senior Freelance Copywriter.
You can drop me a line here, or email firstname.lastname@example.org
*TBF, I specialised in copywriting in my fourth year, under the watchful eye of Tony Evershed. Thanks, Tony. x x x